What Are Men Good For?

The secret to longevity depends on who you ask. People who have actually made it to an advanced age will credit alcohol or no alcohol, sex or no sex, red meat or no red meat, whatever or not-whatever.  Jessie Gallan, age 109, credits her advanced age to porridge and avoidance of men. While these items may, in fact, have allowed her to live well past 100, other women may contend that they, personally, would have happily given up a couple decades of life before they would have given up sex or male companionship.  The other item, porridge, is still being debated. Now back to men.

Jessie has apparently lived a full and happy life without the presence of a man. So, what, exactly, are men good for, aside from sex and keeping track of one’s car maintenance schedule?  Since the extinction of the mammoth and the subsequent rise of male politicians, many people are wondering exactly that. Life in the Boomer Lane has answers.

1. Men like to be on top   Most women, when they reach a certain age, realize that the image of their faces, when they look down into a mirrored counter or answer their Face Time calls with their heads down, is not the most pleasant of sights. In fact it probably ranks a close second to what people looked like in the final stages of the plague. For this reason, any observant woman should be very grateful that her sexual partner remains mostly on top, and allows her to stop fretting about her jowls obliterating the rest of her face.

2. Men see us differently than we see ourselves  Women’s brains go into full tilt boogie overdrive when they see other women.  Is she pretty? Does she dress well? Has she had cosmetic surgery? Is her hair attractive? The list goes on and on.  Men look at woman differently.  If she has a head and a body, she qualifies.

3.  Men are very patient when we shop for clothes  This is because they are either sitting in the store in a coma, or sitting outside having sunstroke. Either way, we get to shop.

4. Men love commitment This is manifested when their team is having the longest losing streak in history and they still watch every single game.

5. Men love us exactly the way we are  As women we are always obsessing about losing weight, finding another hair stylist and/or hairstyle and/or hair color, tossing all our clothes and starting over, getting better make up, having cosmetic surgery, etc.   We needn’t worry. See #3.

6. Men have total ability to remember our birthdays, anniversaries, and every single other bit of important information about us. We simply have to declare ourselves a sports team.

7. Men have hair in places we don’t Or rather, in places where we get rid of it.  It’s nice to see that, on them, it looks good.

8. Men only half-listen to us  Since a lot of what we say is stream of consciousness, it’s often just the act of speaking that makes us feel better.  If we had someone really listening to us and constantly interrupting us and asking questions, it would take forever to get things off our chests.  Then, later we’d be asked why, if we said blah/blah/blah, we did blah/blah/blah. Much easier to have someone listen in a half-assed way and allow us to go about our business.

9. Men are easy, in the most important way  See #3.

10. Since lists of 10 are always good, you may fill this one in by yourself.  If you can’t think of anything, repeat #9.

about Renee Fisher……

Renee’s entire life has been formed by her naturally curly hair and her having topograpanosia, a real disorder of the frontal lobe that results in a complete inability to orient herself in space, as well as an inability to remember people’s names. Because of this disorder, she gets lost a lot.  If you see her wandering around anywhere, don’t call anyone.  Just get her ice cream.  That will calm her down.  For the hair, there’s not much you can do.

She is, indeed, a former hula hoop champion, as well as the co-author of two books for women over 50.  They are Invisible No More: The Secret Lives of Women Over 50 and Saving the Best for Last: Creating Our Lives After 50.  She is also a Featured Blogger on Huffington Post.

If you are a very important publisher, a wealthy donor, or if you would like Renee and her co-authors to speak or lead a workshop for your group or organization, you can contact her at:  lifeintheboomerlane@gmail.com