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Gluten Free

Things I Don’t Understand

| Sande Caplin |

There are a lot of things Life in the Boomer Lane doesn’t understand anymore, and she fears she is running out of time to make any sense of them.

1. She doesn’t understand why, when she flies (on a plane, mostly), TSA officials are always staring her down, ordering her to get into (or onto, if you are of the Midwestern persuasion) one line or the other, demanding that she remove half her clothing, giving her pat downs, and inspecting the contents of her suitcase for rogue nail clippers or bottles of Baconnaise. Then when she gets to the gate, she must produce a ticket to be able to enter the gangway/breezeway/little tunnel that leads directly to the plane. But a nine-year-old can fly to Vegas solo without a ticket, and a teenager can insert himself into the wheel well of a jumbo jet and fly to Maui without anyone seeming to notice.

2. She doesn’t understand why she is able to watch all kinds of shows on the Discovery Channel and 60 Minutes that warn of the imminent demise of the planet due to global warming/killer viruses/over-population. But no one in charge of things seems to watch these shows so they don’t care.

3. She doesn’t understand why people have become so insanely rude and think nothing of cutting her off in traffic (and then giving her the finger), screaming into their cell phones in public places, and never picking up any clothes that fall onto the floor while they are shopping (LBL spends a lot of time picking up clothes on the floor of TJ Maxx and Marshalls). But some of those same people are probably posting cute babies and puppies and inspirational messages on Facebook/going to church every week/being active in the PTA.

4. She doesn’t understand why so many kids nowadays have allergies/ADHD/autism/learning disabilities and why some young moms compare their kids’ maladies with each other like LBL remembers moms comparing which Scout badges their kids earned. But when LBL was in school, everyone ate peanut butter and jelly (except LBL, who ate tuna fish), no one carried Epi-pens (aside from the fact that they weren’t invented yet), and the only time LBL witnessed any outside-the-norm behavior was the day Joseph Diamond ceremoniously took his shoe off, then peeled his sock off and threw it at Mrs Ruberg.

5. She doesn’t understand why most of the population has become gluten-intolerant overnight (with all due respect to those who have always had celiac disease) and why Passover food is bad enough anyway, but now LBL is forced to eat gluten-free Passover food, which is worse. But in all the years LBL has been on the planet, she never met a gluten or a person who was gluten-intolerant until the past couple years.

6. She doesn’t understand why so many people are obsessed with dieting/working out/running marathons every minute. But obesity is getting so bad that we are all going to crash through the earth’s upper crust/shell and end up somewhere we seriously don’t want to be.

7. She doesn’t understand why people would rather go without health care than sign up for Universal Health Care. But a lot of the people who use scare tactics to convince those other people that Universal Health Care is bad/wrong/Socialist/anti-religion and guns/pro-gay all have health care, thank you very much, and LBL is paying for it.

8. She doesn’t understand why, when Johnny gets a bad grade or a bad report in school, it has become the teacher’s fault. But then everyone is mystified that when Johnny becomes an adult, he is an unemployed bicycle messenger and lives in his parents’ basement. Or he graduates from college without knowing how to read. Or he becomes a self-absorbed, entitled twit.

9. She doesn’t understand why so many people can spend their time on airplanes/in waiting areas just sitting and staring into space, for hours. But when LBL tries this, all she can think about is eating or doing harm to the people who can just sit there.

10. LBL is now tired of writing so she is leaving this item free for you to insert your own mystifications.

about the writer……..

Renee FisherRenee’s entire life has been formed by her naturally curly hair and her having topograpanosia, a real disorder of the frontal lobe that results in a complete inability to orient herself in space, as well as an inability to remember people’s names. Because of this disorder, she gets lost a lot.  If you see her wandering around anywhere, don’t call anyone.  Just get her ice cream.  That will calm her down.  For the hair, there’s not much you can do.

She is, indeed, a former hula hoop champion, as well as the co-author of two books for women over 50.  They are Invisible No More: The Secret Lives of Women Over 50 and Saving the Best for Last: Creating Our Lives After 50.  She is also a Featured Blogger on Huffington Post.

If you are a very important publisher, a wealthy donor, or if you would like Renee and her co-authors to speak or lead a workshop for your group or organization, you can contact her at:

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